As is the case nowadays on Father's Day, I am in remembrance mode. I know it's a "Hallmark Holiday," but it doesn't really matter. It's more poignant this year, though: a friend's father is dying, and he's taking on the burden of primary caregiver. It takes a lot of courage, but then again he's an admirable man.
For those who don't know, my dad was a child and adolescent psychoanalyst who did a lot of work regarding suicide, and later moved into the legal system providing a friend of court brief on behalf of the children involved in custody hearings.
In Memoriam:
Lionel Margolin's Top Platitudes
Many people like to bring up Yoda's line: "Do or Do Not; There Is No Try." I don't like this phrase -- on the surface, it's great; but probe a little bit deeper and it's anti-learning, as it ignores the importance of intent: intent is intangible, but nevertheless often the most important aspect to consider when a mistake is made. Instead of this, I would choose my father's wisdom, something also media-inspired: the combination of "Be Your Own Hero" and "There is No Finish Line." *
In response to "Life isn't fair!" (something I evidently said rather frequently during my adolescence), my father would reply, "Who ever told you life was fair? I never said that! You're right; life isn't fair!"
About Childrearing, "You can raise children to be obedient, or you can raise them to have character. You can't do both." What he meant by this was that in order to have character, you have to confront and question the established order. In fact, I mildly disagree, because there's a bridge: if part of your character is to be generally a proponent of social structure, then it would make some sense to have a "default" of loyalty, causing you to behave obediently as evidence of your willingness to support the existing social infrastructure, at least conceptually, and at least until there's a reason not to.
And in general, from as far back as I can remember, "Always Be Coachable!" He intended this in the same way as people say to have a Beginner Mind. I'm sure sometimes he meant this as "Jessica!, would you LISTEN?!?" but he also meant it as a general rule, to step into the swing (and not sideways) when swinging the baseball bat.
He had plenty of annoying, smart-ass comments -- I won't dignify them with the term "platitude" -- because he said out loud a lot of jokes that were clearly designed for his own amusement, and no one else's. I admit, I am not so funny to other people, either (just ask my son). What can you do? No one's perfect.
So, Happy Father's Day, everyone. And if you have a remembrance, add it to the comments.
- Jessica
* = "There is No Finish Line" was a Nike slogan poster so long ago that Nike was a startup. At his request, I scoured Berkeley back in the day, until I found one. The irony!
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